In the middle

My heart was aching a little the other day, well actually, it does each day when I see how hard E is trying to find his place here. He is the only four year old. He is the youngest of all the boys here who range in age from 6 to 11 (and older). Some of the boys have an easier time including him and keeping a big brotherly watchful eye out for him. Others struggle to relate to or enjoy his exuberance or to be patient with his less than graceful attempts to join play and some find it difficult to have patience with his speech.  There is also a young girl cohort ages 18 months to 3 which R easily falls into. And then a small older girl cohort of ages 6 to 8 which A easily identifies with. So E is trying to figure out where he fits in.

It was interesting the other day because often at home E will play with A and pretend he is a girl. He loves dress up and he loves wearing dresses or other stereo typically 'girl' things. He can also be very clear that he is a boy and makes sure we understand that. We try to be as non gender stereotypical as much as we can, though we succumb to the social norms more than we'd like to.  I mean I didn't totally dip into A's old clothes for E. I used the clothes my sis had passed along from my nephew. But he has a fair amount of typical "girly" things and absolutely, much of the time, does not care if he is wearing pink or purple shoes with butterflies or pajamas with bows on them or a shirt cut for a girl and most of the time loves his blue and pink princess bike. Though I fear this time may come to an end as he has more and more experiences with mainstream boy culture. The other day during some pretend play time he decided he wanted to be A's twin sister and wanted to wear her bathing suit out to the beach. Knowing that some of the kids might not understand or might question him we talked about how kids might react but that he could feel proud of his decision and of who he was and how he chose to express himself. We walked down, A in her blue floral suit, E in his Kitty Ruffly Suit. He wanted everyone to call him Adelaide and refer to him as a girl. And everyone pretty much obliged without issue. The older boys didn't squawk, maybe it was because they really have a hard time relating to him any way. More striking to me than that though was that the girls who just a few hours earlier were so annoyed with him as a boy all of a sudden enjoyed including her (him) in their play and were doting on her (him).  Was he acting that much different? From my perspective she (he) didn't seem to be acting any differently. It left me feeling proud of E for really trying many methods for connecting with other kids and for expressing himself the way he wanted to and proud that all the kids seemed to just roll with it but frustrated that the girls seemed to only give him the time of day when he was a girl.

Addy does include him and watch over him.  She stands up for him on many occasions.  Because they are so close in age and E always wants be with Addy it has been hard to strike a balance between practicing  inclusion and time alone with friends. And we have been working with Elliott so hard ever since he was a toddler. He has always been a force to be reckoned with passionate, strong, determined, motivated,. He is also very sweet and tender, loving and compassionate. He can articulate his feelings very well for a 4 year old and with the sweetest eyes tell you a hundred times over, "I love you so much mama."  I want to be sure to honor and nurture his whole self,  but I especially want to nurture his sweet feeling side and help him find ways to appropriately share his feelings.  I want him to feel empowered to play with kids of all ages and to feel included. And really, I want the same for my girls, too.  A friend posted a link to this documentary about boys and the culture of manhood reminding us of such ugly phrases as 'stop crying' or 'grow some balls'  or 'man up'.  Here's the link:  http://www.upworthy.com/the-problem-facing-young-men-that-needs-to-become-a-household-conversation  Having not grown up with brothers and not being a boy myself I feel like I have some learning to do!

pretending to be sad

pretending to be daddy

chillin on the beach

On another related front I am struggling a bit with a sensitivity about E's speech. He has a lot to say and says it with great enthusiasm and with his full body. He has an awesome vocabulary and great comprehension but some of his letter sounds are still hard for him. It's not something I am worried about at this point. I find it endearing and sweet. His speech continues to improve as he gets older and most people can understand him though many still need some translations especially when he is exceptionally excited. I love him so much it's hard for me to see him struggle and to see others be so short with him or mocking about his speech or his excitement or his volume. I mean I get frustrated too. His energy can be a lot to handle and many kids are still developing the tools to interact with different ages and kids appropriately.  I want E to feel free to express himself no matter what AND I want the other kids to treat him kindly. It doesn't feel like that much to ask.  In my heart of hearts I just want everyone to get along. I just want everyone to be accepting. I know part of parenting is not only encouraging and nurturing our kids to be themselves, and their best selves, but also to help them develop the tools and give them the strong foundation of acceptance and unconditional love at home so they are able to stay true to themselves amid the pressures of our society. It's a big job and it sometimes feel so scary and vulnerable especially as your kids venture out into the world without you. Trust. Right, trust that all the groundwork we've been laying will pay off and they will get through tough interactions and be able to talk through them, process them.  So with my young kiddos I can mediate situations that require it, diffuse ones I didn't see coming, or try to change the tone of interactions as long as I am there and involved and I can continue to teach my kids about kindness and acceptance and including everyone. I have to remember that we are always, always working toward becoming more patient and compassionate and that we all slip up and or succumb to outside pressures. I have to remind myself of this so my scary, irrational, don't you dare be unkind and mocking to my baby, mama bear doesn't come out. What are your boy experiences? As a parent? As a child? Any advice? Or kid experiences in general?


Update: This morning E woke up late and groggy. He crawled into my lap and spoke about his friends back home. How he missed them and wanted to see them. He asked, "Mama, why aren't there friends up here?"  I wasn't able to figure out exactly what he meant but clearly it's something he is thinking about. And he notices, too. It's interesting that this morning was really the first he articulated something like this. The last few days of more interactions with the bigger kids have left him drained and very easy to meltdown by the afternoon and he has been able to verbalize his frustrations in feeling left out or left behind. It is hard being in the middle and not quite fitting in.  He is being challenged, that is for sure.